He’s related to Destro, he’s got a cast-iron castle in the Alps, and he has a private army at his disposal. It’s like taking advantage of a handicapped person.ĭarklon sounds like one of the baddest muthas in the ranks of Cobra. So the Joes enlisted him and gave him the big, noisy machines like gatling guns to handle. Rock & Roll played in a lot of garage bands in Malibu and the noise eventually injured his hearing. Turns out he’s just very hard of hearing. Initially the card sets him up for being a trigger-happy one-man battering ram frothing at the mouth until the final bullet flies. What could that possibly be? Like, spitting on the president or something? On the other hand, he has been arrested for “felony spitting,” which he almost certainly has to be the first person in America to commit. It’s like Cobra wanted to hire the Elephant Man, discovered he was unavailable, and settled for Road Pig. His bio card is basically a bunch of jokes about how disgusting he is, from his B.O. Cobra flipped the sexist script though when they enlisted Road Pig. Usually you hear about women getting jobs based solely on their looks rather than their skills. Joe bio cards - much thanks to for the images! Hama managed to deliver concise little background sketches in a very short amount of words - sometimes with humorous and somewhat baffling results. Joe comic, who was also happened to write the a good portion of the file cards for the figures (and often, their names). Every card attempted to sugarcoat the fact that the Joes were a gang of lowlifes by noting that they were all qualified experts in NATO and Warsaw Pact small arms.īlame it on Larry Hama, the writer of the Marvel G.I. to rope in any roughneck with a dangerous job and a mountain of speeding tickets in their glove compartment. The army seemed to have sent recruiters to the darkest backwoods of the U.S. If they did, they may have questioned why so many Joes and Cobras were miserable degenerates, chronic gamblers, womanizers, and failed poets. But did any kids really pay attention to the details on these cards? Nearly every figure line featured these little cut-outs, but none of them had as much richness to their biographical sketches as G.I. But back in the ’80s and ’90s, all figures came with were weapons and a bio file on the back of the card to be cut out and collected in a shoebox. If you cruise the toy aisles nowadays, you’ll find that the majority of contemporary action figures come with dice, some form of stat card relating to a game, and possibly a stand.

Gi joe classified file cards